You Shall Know Our Velocity
"What are we allowed to do when we're looking for things we're required to do?"
"Jack, at the top of the mountain we heard nothing, and there was no order. There wasn't even a line in the middle of the road. There were no homes, no animals even. But within the streets below, chasing and being chased, following and being
followed, there was such order! Brilliant order! Not a doubt about any one moment - all was scripted, all was action. Reason! Purpose! A love born of caring that we were there! Even if their intent was to rob or maim or kill, they cared enough to give chase! There was reason to the butchers pushing their bloody carts under the windows of the homes within which young boys heard the knives, still sharp after quartering so many calves, and they knew their future. There was reason! And I wanted to be that boy in that room. I wanted to be in that room, safe, enclosed, thinking of a girl in a burqa walking on the outer streets of Marrakesh with her mother, smiling at strangers in a car. Smiling at strangers in a car from behind her burqa good God can you imagine! That was it, Jack, holy fuck! I want to be in that room, Jack, thinking of one day knowing a Charlotte -- Fuck, Jack, when we were young did you ever think we could know a Charlotte, a Charlotte with the hair to there and flesh abundant everywhere, a Charlotte who could kill us with one low meaningful laugh? In that room over the streets full of knives there would be life because you were never far from the touch of a blade or the hot breath of your mother, her breath on your back, half-asleep behind you as you watched the painting of the sailboat on sawhorses and dreamed of a home on Saturn -- See, there was order there in those narrow streets! There was a task at hand! There were people to touch and fight! People to touch and fight! Fuck, even fighting is better than that quiet up there -- I want only to speed more through that narrow path, feeling squeezed, chasing and chased -- every turn was our only option and that felt so good! -- but as we climbed up the mountains there was nothing like that -- we couldn't even see where we were, how high, how far it would be to fall.
And so we came back down. And so soon we were back in the warmth of that labyrinth, looking for anything -- for a cop to stop us, to ask us about Chicago, for people giving Hand notes of the gentlest affection after we taught them the shopping cart... Shit, Jack, I don't know what that was, all that dancing -- what we're allowed to do when we're looking for things we're required to do. What are we allowed to do when we're looking for things we're required to do?"